Show & Tell - OTEP, an interview with Otep

CELEBRATING THE SCARS

s&t sits with otep, summer '04

The original intro for this piece, done a few months back on the fourth date of Ozzfest 2004, said something about Ozzfest gearing up, something about Otep's second full-length release and the word "more," (more affecting, more sensuous, more brutal, more cathartic, more emotional, more, more, more...), something about previous members going the way of the whooping crane...

Blech.

Too generic and too easy an intro for Otep. She deserves more because she gives more.

Something about Otep makes girls want to be her and boys want to protect her; a tragic vulnerability seeping through a wall of strength and brutality... Her voice is your voice; her anger, your anger; her pain, your pain. It is therapy by osmosis and the catharsis she goes through each moment of each performance is as much for you as it is for her.

And beneath it all, beyond the fury of her words, she really just wants what we all want.

To not be alone in this world.

She's not... She has all of us.

Show & Tell: All your set times are 1:00. How’d you do that?

Otep: That’s what they wanted.

S&T: They asked you if you wanted (the 1:00) spot or they asked you if you wanted (a static) spot and you picked (that one)?

Otep: You know, I asked, “Is there any way possible that we can get just a set time every day so that we can not have to join the rotation since it’s our third Ozzfest?” and they said, “No problem, 1:00’s your spot,” and we said, “That’s perfect.”

S&T: That’s got to be so much better than having to (rotate set times every day).

Otep: We paid our dues, man, two years in a row we did it and it’s great... If they wouldn’t have let us have the set time, we still would’ve done it.

S&T: You look - don’t take this the wrong way [ed.’s note: How exactly can you take this the wrong way?] - but you looked happier up there today than... You look like you’re enjoying it so much more than you used to.

Otep: I am. I really am. I had to... recording the second record, I had to sorta face a piece of me that needed to die and that was the piece that was going to continue to make me miserable. That was sorta the seed that was planted in me that was never invited, you know, that was given to me long ago. It was just time, man, it was time to really appreciate what we have and believe in what we do and recognize that we’re fighting a good fight against a lot of enemies and, you know, it also has a lot to do with how excited we are to be on Ozzfest again, how honored we are to be here. It has a lot to do with the current lineup in the band, I’m really pleased with who’s playing with me now, and it just feels good to be back, it really does.

S&T: Did you clean house before you started production? What’s the timeline on the lineup change?

Otep: Well the drummer left about a year ago...

S&T: And Joey Jordison (of Slipknot) did some of the drums on the record...

Otep: Joey Jordison played six songs on the new record and we’re completely amazed at how that turned out. And the guitar player was released as we were laying down tracks for the new record.

S&T: Just wasn’t working?

Otep: Different agendas and it was just time for a change... Time for a change.

S&T: Tell me about the two guys I don’t know.

Otep: Guitar player’s name is Lee Rios and the drummer is named Doug Pellerin. Doug auditioned. He was a drum tech. He’s also won the Global Drumoff, double kick, fastest feet... In 30 seconds he’s at like 15 or 16 beats per second... He can do it for a minute, I think, I don’t know what his world record is but he’s got a world record - it’s fastest feet. But besides that he just also has the skill, the power and the separation to be able to play the new music and to be able to step up to do what Joey did on the record.

The guitar player emailed me when he heard that we lost the old one. He just took a chance and that initiative really impressed me and he came out and played and it was exactly what I’d wanted to hear.

S&T: He contacted you cold, completely cold with no connection whatsoever?

Otep: Completely cold, emailed me and said, “Hey, I heard that you released your guitar player from his duties to your band, here’s my bio and I’d like an opportunity to play.” He used to play in a band called Speak No Evil, they were on Universal, kind of a political band so he had sorta the right mind set. The great thing is they’re very loyal to the cause, they understand the message, they understand how pious and artistic and violent and what it takes to really know how to struggle and survive and... It’s a good, good atmosphere in this band right now.

S&T: And that’s where “the happy” comes from?

Otep: Part of it, that’s a big part of it. The other part of it’s just I never thought I’d have the opportunity to put out a second record. I never thought I’d be on Ozzfest for the third time. Where I come from that’s unheard of.

S&T: The new stuff went over great today. How’s it been received overall?

Otep: People are lovin’ it. The audiences always feel a little strange when they don’t know the material ‘cause they don’t know the lyrics, they wanna sing them, but it’s amazing to see the responses because they fold right into it like they’ve know the song for ten years. Warhead especially, it’s always surprising to me how many people know the lyrics... Looking out... To go to different, this is our fourth Ozzfest on this tour and people are singing along...

S&T: That’s great. Changing gears for a sec, I assume you’ll be voting for Kerry?

Otep: I will be voting for John F. Kerry.

S&T: Now is that a vote for Kerry or a vote against Bush?

Otep: Both. I like Kerry, I think he’s a good politician. I think he’ll be a good leader, I think he’ll reinstate the Clinton economic plan and that’s good for all Americans and I think, he’s a soldier, he understands war. So he was only in war for three months. He was in Vietnam for three months and then he was wounded. That’s much more impressive... We’re on tour for two months and that’s a long time away and that's hard work...

S&T: And you’re on a bus.

Otep: We’re on a bus, we’re not sleeping on a boat in DeNang or something.

S&T: And you get to take your helmet off when you get on the bus.

Otep: I think for conservatives or Republicans to diminish the fact that John Kerry was in war for three months is a disservice not only to him but to other veterans who actually volunteereed. He wasn’t drafted, he volunteered.

S&T: Yeh, but that’s their MO.

Otep: Sure, that’s what they do.

S&T: It’s a pretty tight machine... When you’re able to control the media and what the media says, you control the minds of the people.

Otep: And that’s what provoked me to write Warhead. I needed, for my own sanity, I needed to write something that I felt was truth, that I felt was honest and to express my opinion about this president. The Limbaughs and the O’Reillys and the Fox News Channels every day, spoon-fed, spoon-fed, spoon-fed, how great it is here, how wonderful things are going in Iraq and meanwhile 800 plus Americans have died over there and continue to die for no reason. (The Iraqis) didn’t attack us.

The people that attacked us are still out there.

S&T: Right.

Otep: And they’re still attacking. I think the percentages of terror attacks last year, they initially (said there were less terror attacks). “Oh, we’re sorry, we made a mistake.” Just propaganda, propaganda, progaganda. It’s a frightening time to be an American right now.

S&T: And (to justify the war), you’ve got a vice-president who maintains, “No, there is a connection (between Iraq and Al Qaeda ).” And you’re like, “Alright, well, what is it?”

Otep: Even the Republicans on the 9/11 Commission were like, “Then show us the evidence.” “There is no more evidence. Oh, I’ve got evidence!” “Okay, show it to us.” “No, I’m sorry, there is no more evidence.” It’s frightening to be an American.

Y’know, people like to, it’s fanciful for the opposition to Bush to compare him to Hitler and stuff, I don’t... I compare this to McCarthyism, really, this is tactics of mass propaganda to hide the fact that this administration screwed up and they screwed up royally. And this isn’t about democratizing the world, manifest destiny; this isn’t about saving the poor Iraqis from a dictator... Saddam Hussein, he was an asshole and he was a terrible person and he was a tyrant and, yes, he terrorized his people but 40 years into this country’s origination what did we do?

We had legalized slavery. It was legal to own people, it was legal to go to another country, kidnap them, bring them here, breed them, rape them, kill them, if necessary... women had no rights to vote, we had to stay covered up... sounds very familiar, doesn’t it? So for us to say that we’re delegating our morality on some other country and it’s taken us over 200 years to get to where we are and yet we’re expecting everyone else to be like us…

The bottom line is there’s other places in the world that could have used us, the Sudan just recently…

But instead, there’s no oil there. If they want help, lie! “We found oil!”

(laughter)

I think what’ll happen, Kerry/Edwards, when they’re elected, I think they’ll bring a sense of normalcy back to America and everyone will feel better. Except for maybe the Bushheads, they’ll hate life. But I’ll feel safer and I know my family will feel safer and hopefully that’s gonna happen. We just gotta get people out to vote.

S&T: Can you help do that? Do people listen? Do you say that to them?

Otep: I’ve put my views out there. I don’t expect everyone to agree with me, I just expect them to have an opinion. If you’re gonna argue with me about it, if you’re gonna say that I’m wrong, then tell me why I’m wrong… Let’s have an honest, passionate, respectful debate about it. But so far the response from the Warhead video and the song, what I write in my online journal about what’s happening in the world has been overwhelmingly positive and people are out there saying, “We’re gonna do it, we’re gonna do it, you’ve motivated us to be involved.”

Y’know, I think this whole apathy thing about not voting, I think with 9/11 and with our introduction to other parts of the world where women don’t have the right to vote even today, they don’t have a voice, I think you’re gonna see people saying, really realizing how lucky we as Americans are that we actually have such a precious right, to vote, to dictate what actually happens in our country.

I know a lot of people that say, “I voted for Bush but he’s not acting the way I thought he’d act, he’s not doing what I asked him to do and I voted for him.”

Well, the way to change that is vote against him; in four years, vote him out… And then we’ll try again.

I wish the Republicans would do that. Bush isn’t even a real conservative. He’s got bigger government, his deficit is in the trillions… it’s ridiculous.

S&T: And there was a surplus when he went into office.

Otep: There was a surplus, absolutely. And he’s the first President since Herbert Hoover not to create jobs. It’s terrible, it’s a catastrophe.

I wish McCain would’ve won. It’d be a much different atmosphere had John McCain been President of the United States of America right now, completely different.

S&T: Maybe in four years. So talk to me a little bit about being off the road for so long… I know, we go off on these tangents. You do that a lot I bet.

Otep: (smiles) Sometimes.

S&T: You’re off the road – do you lose that voice? Is it hard to get back?

Otep: We went out on the road a little while, then we were off, and then we started writing the record a few months after that. It doesn’t really go anywhere. Keeping it road savvy, that’s probably the hardest thing. But that’s why I’ve got always pockets full of throat lozenges, I try not to talk too much, except when I do interviews… Just take care of it, that’s the hardest part.

People ask me, “How do you do it? How do you do it?” I don’t know. Everything that I write, everything that I speak is coming from… it’s purposeful. It’s the natural progression of a song. Where it’s supposed to be angry, I’m angry; and so when it’s time for those emotions to erupt, it feels like every molecule in my body is exploding on itself and then exploding out again.

S&T: There’s no buildup or preparation before you go out there…

Otep: Oh, no, I absolutely warmup. I have a pre-show ritual that I do that puts me… I fall back into myself, I remember every emotion that caused me… why I wrote these songs. Every event, every experience that made me write the songs that I write. There’s warm-ups that I do with my voice that are low… like Tibetan Monk chanting that I do…

S&T: What about when you’re done? Is it out? Is it out of your system? Do you need to come off and come down?

Otep: Oh, no, y’know, the longer we play, the stronger the transformation from… normal civilian to being… insane artist. And I love it, I’m much more comfortable…

S&T: There?

Otep: (nods) Absolutely. I feel better about myself when I’m here than I do over there. It feels like I am who I’m supposed to be when I’m here. My mind is working in the right direction, I’m creative all the time and I feel like I’m walking in the light of invention… I’m just constantly like a sponge soaking up inspiration.

S&T: Do you get downtime? Sounds like a lot of work (keeping that up).

Otep: Well, it’s a lot of work but what else am I gonna do, man? I’m surprised that I’ve lived this long, so… What I can do to stay active and keep fighting the war of life is what I’m gonna do. We’re lucky to be here. I never thought I’d have a second record, I never thought my second record would this be good.

S&T: It is very good.

Otep: Thank you so much. I’m so proud of it, thank you.

S&T: Outside of being a journalist for a second, I really do enjoy your music so for me I was scared you were going to go just all heavy on me when it’s the other stuff I love… The pacing and the buildup to the heavy stuff.

Otep: You know, someone gave me one of the best compliments I think I could ever hear about this record – that it’s heavy even when it’s not heavy. And that, for me, is important because I don’t wanna write a song that’s heavy just to be heavy and go, “Ooh, the fans are really gonna like this part and there’s shredding over here and do a double bass here…” That’s not what I do. I didn’t get into music to do that.

For me it’s about whatever the muse recites. Sometimes I’d walk into the studio and I’d sit with the producer Greg Wells and we’d have a certain song we have to work on today and I would go in and just be like, “I can’t do it today, I’ve got this other thing I wanna do,” and he’d go, “What is it? Do it now,” and we’d write that song.

So, it’s just, for me, it’s continuously being a grateful slave to the muse, to willingly accept their creative destruction wherever it takes me and to be honest about it.

To be able to step back and look at what I’m doing and be objective and say, “This isn’t working. As much as I want it to work, this is not working, I gotta scrap it. I can’t do it.”

Nothing makes the record that’s not supposed to make the record. No filler on this record. I can’t do that.

Cover songs. It’ll be a… Something will really have to hit me in order for me to do a cover. And I love a lot of songs. Like there’s mention of us maybe covering “Creep” by Radiohead; one of my favorite songs. But then I start thinking about it and why can’t I write a song like that? Why shouldn’t I be able to sit down and take as long as it takes to write a song that’s going to impact me as much as that song does?

It’s a classic, it’s universal, it’s wonderful, it’s one of the best songs I’ve ever… That song has meant a lot to me on many lonely nights. That song has healed many wounds for me.

S&T: What else (has had that effect)?

Otep: The Doors… The End by The Doors. That song sent everything in motion for me. “Oh wow, music can be poetic… oh wow, art can save.”

Nirvana when they released that record after Kurt’s death that had a new song. That song for me, when he’s screaming “Pain!” I cried for a week. I’d put it on in the back of the bus and I’d hear that song and just be like, “Where’d you go, man, where’d you go? Why’d you leave us?”

S&T: I like to look back at songs and mark points in my life; you can hear a song and think back to exactly where you were when you heard it. Points in music that just changed everything…

Otep: And I think that’s the power of music. A lot of people have asked me why did I go from being… whatever I was, nothing, to doing music.

S&T: Wow, there’s a self-esteem issue there.

Otep: Always, man… To adding music in to what I do vocally. That’s because music is power, man, it’s the spark, it’s electric, it brings everything to life. That’s why soundtracks on films are so important.

That’s why people have those memories like that; it’ll bring back the smells when you were a child. Like The End by The Doors, I was 9 years old and I wasn’t supposed to touch it, I put it on, we were listening to the other side of it, and I flipped over the record and it just happened to land on that song and I was… I remember the feel of the carpet…

Music is like the perfume of the soul.

S&T: Would it affect your self-esteem to know that that’s what you do to these kids?

Otep: To me, its an honor…

Someone will say, “Your music saved me, you stopped me from killing myself.” That’ll hit me so hard that… I just, I never thought that was possible for what I do. I just have to give it back to them. We do everything we do to show them appreciation… I put my screenname for instant messaging online so that they can contact me. They save me as much as I save them.

S&T: Your web site, the resource portion of your site has got to be one of the best online resources if you’re in trouble… Multiple places to go for multiple issues… [ed.'s note: Visit http://www.otep.com/notalone.asp for more details.]

Otep: I wanted it to be as detailed and offer as many alternatives as possible because… I come from a very negative upbringing. The killer though… I can handle any violence given to me. You learn to deal with that. But loneliness... I can’t deal with that. That swallows you up, man, that eats you alive. And so I don’t ever want anybody to feel like that. I want them to feel like they’re not alone, I want them to know they’re not. That these issues, these problems, these gifts they were given that weren’t invited, they attack more people than not.

Our music in some respect is a celebration of the human condition. On our message board we have a section “You Are Not Alone” and that’s a place for people that have gone to those resources and now can come here and talk… There are people from Germany talking about a breakup or domestic violence or an abortion or depression or suicidal thoughts or cutting with someone from California. Completely different cultures, completely different countries but they understand everything from each other. The human condition, it’s beautiful. And it’s taking on these evils head on and… For people to say aggressive music is satanic and it’s all about suicide, its not. Our music is about survival, our music is about the celebration of survival, it’s about fighting back…

S&T: (How do you use that to help) you or is it just about them?

Otep: (pauses) There’s a little bit of that in there for me. I mean, it is. It makes me feel good that I’m not just, that I haven’t abandoned who I am. I’m still able to remember, to thank them for supporting what we do.

It heals. It heals a lot.

If you’ve been picked on your whole life, you survive and go back and look one day at those people and see where they are in their lives, and see all the hate that ate them up and left them in this very small box of life, and you feel fuller and your life has just exploded because maybe you feel better about yourself, and one day you look in the mirror and you don’t hate what you see?

It’s beautiful, man. Beautiful.

S&T: You ever let yourself stop or go quiet? I don’t mean not talk, I mean do you ever let it not… Or do you have to all the time?

Otep: I’m burnin’ at both ends, man. I’m burnin’ at both ends…

[Ed.’s note: At this point, the recorder is shut off and the conversation goes off the record. We pick up several minutes later.]

Otep: A lot of writing this record had to do with what we were just talking about and that is, y’know, to wake up and go, “I’m no longer in that house, I’m no longer hearing those footsteps coming down the hall, I’m no longer waiting for the hand…”

I’m in this house because I chose to stay here and I don’t want to be here anymore. It’s empty now (except for) me. Have to break out, have to get out of this place and to realize the only thing that’s causing me to be miserable now is me.

I’m always gonna have issues, I’m always gonna have poor self-confidence, I’m always gonna have a poor self-identity, I’m always gonna have, y’know, enemies, there’s always gonna be something for me to fight, I’m never gonna stop recognizing pain, I’m never going to forget the struggle.

You never can fully remove those stains, they’re always with you.

S&T: Yeh, but you can learn to live without them weighing you down.

Otep: Exactly, no more… and that’s the reason why the album is called House Of Secrets. If Art truly saves then I can no longer reside inside this house of secrets, I have to break out. The first song on the record, Requiem, I listen back to it now and I honestly hear a piece of me dying and it’s fighting every step of the way. And, honestly, at the very end of that song? There’s a voice on there that’s not mine. It’s like a ghost child. It’s one of the most terrifying… I hear it every time and every time I hear it I just want to explode in tears because there’s something very sad about it, like it’s being ripped back into the ether.

In some respect, that is very metaphoric for what happened to me on this record. This awakening of… To really knowing that art, it’s not just a whimsical metaphor, art does save and it really does. It empowered me to write these progressive songs that I want to get even more intricate, I want to really explore no longer being a victim, no longer celebrating the wounds but celebrating the scars… They’ve healed and look at me now.

And always be thankful to the muses for the gifts and always be humble and always honor that by staying real and staying truthful to what it is that’s gotten me here and I don’t ever want to forget that because as soon as I do then I become what it is that hurt me in the first place and that’s not something I could ever live with.

I’d rather watch this thing go down in ritual ash than ever transform it into something just so I could achieve some sense of celebrity. Never that. Never that.

interview by scott sisti